


Dan and Phil's Haunted Mansion (Area One)

by orphan_account



Category: Luigi's Mansion (2001), Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Contests, Copious Amounts of Swear Words, Crossover, Ghosts, Halloween, Haunting, M/M, Phandom Fic Fests: Bingo, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Spooky, Swearing, Video & Computer Games, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-25 06:53:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16192370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dan and Phil win a mansion in a contest they're pretty sure they didn't even enter, but curiosity takes over and they find themselves lost amidst mischievous ghosts and a very quirky professor.***Bingo fest! Player's Choice and Accident.





	Dan and Phil's Haunted Mansion (Area One)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Phandom Fic Fest's bingo fest in response to the prompts "Player's Choice" and"Accident."
> 
> Felt like writing a crossover, so here we are. :)
> 
> Also yes, the address is totally fake, but that makes it funnier imo.
> 
> Only covered Area One because otherwise this thing would be way too long.

_**Area One** _

* * *

The sound of loud knocking yanks Phil out of blissful slumber. Dan groans from the other side of the couch, throwing an arm over his eyes.

Phil goes to roll over as well, but the knocking increases in volume. Dan swears under his breath, mumbling for Phil to "Please, for the love of all that is holy, answer the goddamn door; I have a hangover."

Phil wants to retort that he has one as well, but it's not worth arguing about. He'll just lose anyway.

Stumbling blindly through the dark lounge, Phil makes his way to the door. He opens it. No one is there, but a large envelope with the words  _Misters Lester and Howell_ sits on the ground. No return address, but the envelope is more ornate than anything Phil's seen in his life. Phil frowns as he picks it up and breaks the seal.

_Misters Daniel Howell and Philip Lester,_

_We are writing to congratulate and inform you on your entry in Vivian's Very Valiant Victorian Video contest. It won first place in our contest, and, as such, you have acquired the grand prize of a Victorian era mansion, residing at:_

_1313 Vital Victory Court, Grizedale, Cumbria, United Kingdom, LA22 0QJ_

_No payments or further action is required. You may move in at any time; the house belongs entirely to you. This is effective immediately, at the time of delivery._

_If you have any further questions, feel free to contact us at any time._

_Congratulations once again._

_Sincerely,_

_Your friends at V5_

Phil has to read the letter several times before his tired brain catches up. When it does, he can't do anything but laugh.

"Wha's funny?" Dan asks, his words slightly slurred.

"We won a house," Phil answers.

Dan sits up, frowning in confusion. "The hell do you mean?" 

"This-" Phil waves the letter "-is a contest notification. We won a mansion."

"I didn't enter any contests," Dan says. "Did you?"

"No." Phil pauses. "I didn't. Unless by accident when I was filling out that survey thing."

"Is it made out to us?"

"Misters Lester and Howell," Phil reads. "That's us."

"Then it probably was you. Call them and let them know you fucked up and we're not interested," Dan suggests.

"There's no number to call," Phil points out.

"Surely there is," Dan argues. "Your blind arse just can't see it. Give it here." Phil sighs and hands him the paper. Dan looks over it with bleary eyes, but he must not see it either because he throws the paper down.

"Maybe your blind arse just can't see it," Phil mocks. Dan flips him off. "Rude."

"So we go to the place, and we explain," Dan suggests. "Better than nothing. At least we can say we tried."

"Yeah." Phil stretches his arms out. "Can you move?"

"Give me a second," Dan grunts, flipping over onto his stomach. He pushes himself up onto his knees and stands. "Yes, apparently, though my joints may argue otherwise."

"Get dressed, and we'll go," Phil suggests.

Dan groans, flopping back onto the couch. "Can we wait? Please? Until the hangovers have subsided a reasonable amount?"

"Fine," Phil allows. "What do you say for six?"

"Six is fine. I can do six."

***

"Why did we do six?" Dan moans, shining his torch up at the skies. "It's already getting dark. I don't like it."

"You're the one that insisted," Phil points out, shivering. "I'd have been fine coming this afternoon!"

"Is that it?" Dan asks suddenly, shining his light at an old building in the distance.

"I think so," Phil agrees. He jogs forward a bit, peering through the low branches. "Yeah! I think it is!"

"Then let's set the record straight and get out of here," Dan says through gritted teeth.

It takes only another minute before they're at the door. Phil knocks cautiously, the door swinging open. He jumps back in surprise.

"Oh, hell no!" Dan shouts, eyes wide. "Let's get out of here, Phil. That's how every horror movie ever starts."

"It was probably unlocked," Phil reasons. "Horror movies are fake, stupid." He steps inside, looking around. "You can stay there if you like, though."

"Fucking idiot," Dan mutters, following him. "You're gonna get us both killed."

The door suddenly slams shut, and Dan screams.

"Who's there?" Phil demands, shining his light around the room. "Show yourself!"

"And I assume that was just a draft?" Dan sneers, eyes flicking back and forth.

"Shut up, I probably knocked it by acci-" Phil is cut off as something knocks the torch out of his hand. "Oh my God!"

"Okay, that's it! We're out of here!" Dan cries, grabbing Phil's hand and running for the door. A small white blob with sharp looking teeth and beady eyes flies down in front of him, and Dan slams on the breaks with a shriek.

"What the hell?" Phil gasps, turning. The translucent blobs are everywhere, laughing menacingly.

"It's probably just locked," Dan mocks, but the venom is lost as his voice tremors. "Jesus fuck, Phil. You're going to get us both killed."

"I'm thinking you might be right for once," Phil whispers. "Ghosts?"

"Ghosts," Dan agrees. "You bring salt?"

"Of course not," Phil grumbles. "Who carries salt - _oh my God!_ " Phil drops to the floor as one of the maybe-ghosts flies at him, whimpering pitifully as Dan's hands fly to cover his eyes.

"How do we always stumble into shit like this?" Dan moans. 

"Oi!" a voice calls. "Come have some of this, ya nasty little ghosties!" A sound like a vacuum cleaner fills the air, and Dan peers from behind his fingers. A man with thick glasses and a machine like a cannon stands in one of the many hallways. It seems to be sucking the ghosts towards him, but just when Dan thinks they're safe, the machine makes a horrible whining sound and smoke begins to bellow from it. 

"Oh, no," Phil moans, standing up. Suddenly, all the ghosts that were sucked into the machine bust free, flying in all directions. Dan shrieks again, and Phil grabs his arm, nails digging into the younger man's arm.

"Well, lads, my name's Professor E. Gadd," the man introduces, "and we must be running now! Follow me!"

Dan and Phil don't bother arguing - they just do. The man leads them through dark halls, skilfully avoiding the ghosts that fly at him. Dan and Phil both try to do the same, but several times they end up shouting in surprise and fear as they're caught off guard. Eventually, though, Professor E. Gadd leads them out of the mansion and into a small laboratory.

"What the hell is this place?" Dan gasps, trying to catch his breath.

"This is my lab," E. Gadd answers simply.

"No, that place," Dan corrects. "The haunted mansion."

"Ah, the old mansion?" E. Gadd asks, setting his vacuum-cannon on a table. "T'is nothing at all, really."

"That-" Phil swallows nervously "-didn't look like  _nothing_ to me."

"The mansion is just an illusion," E. Gadd says with a shrug. "Appeared out of nowhere one day."

"Oh, lovely," Dan grumbles, crossing his arms. "Right, that's it - let's get out of here."

"You plannin' to walk out?" E. Gadd asks with a laugh. "No, no, sonny. You try to do that and it's not goin' well for you."

"So what then?" Phil asks.

"You got to get rid of all the ghosts first. Here," the professor says, kneeling and pulling out a replica of the cannon-vacuum on the table. "This is the Poltergust 3000. This'll vacuum up any ghosts ya meet." He hands it to Phil, who grunts in effort.

"Bit... heavy," he grits out.

"You'll get used to it," E. Gadd says, clapping him on the shoulder. He pulls out a much smaller device, almost cell phone-esque in shape. "This is the Game Boy Horror. Gives ya a map and let's you communicate with me. Scans objects too."

"Cool," Dan replies, taking it and slipping it his pocket.

"Of course you get the easy thing," Phil complains, adjusting his grip on the Poltergust. "Make me do all the physical work."

"Ya best get goin', laddies," E. Gadd says, opening the lab door. "Good luck!"

***

The job is simple enough once Dan and Phil figure out how to work the machines.

Until they run into Neville, a particularly nasty ghost who apparently originated from a portrait painting.

Defeating the portrait ghost proves to be a challenge, but it's done. Phil hands the Poltergust to Dan, complaining that "I've done all the work so far, so it's only fair."

That's when Lydia, Neville's wife appears. 

She's a bit difficult, but Dan manages. It's their baby, Chauncey, who's hardest, though. Still, Dan and Phil manage.

***

"It's almost full," Phil tells E. Gadd over the Game Boy Horror.

"Bring it back to the lab," the professor says. "I'll empty it; that'll turn Neville, Lydia and Chauncey back into portraits."

"Sounds good," Dan agrees, panting." Let's get rid of some ghosts."


End file.
